“Good evening, I’m Sabrina Spam with an unusual report for you, here on Filler News – the most enjoyable segment between adverts you can find on cable TV. Last night, a very interesting recording was leaked.  Listen closely.”

“Merry Christmas! I’m Pastor Nigel’s new assistant, Theodore, and today we’re embarking on a  mission to test the limits of our faith. I’m in his office right now and I can hear him traipsing about in the hall. Ssh… Here he comes.”

“Where the hell is everyone? Jesus, I’ve got a splitting headache. Get me a Coke, will you? Throw some ice in it. Why are you staring at me?”

“Look outside, sir.”

“What is this?  Those raccoons again? Did I sleep through a tornado? Look at all those clothes lying around on the lawn.”

“It’s worse than that. They were all Raptured when they were leaving the Christmas Eve party. I saw it all. It was really scary; they just disappeared.”

“You mean I slept through the Rapture…?”

“Well, you  had a lot of gin last night.”

“I can’t even find Fluffy.”

“He’s gone. I found his collar by the door.”

“Whaaaat…? God took the dog and left me?”

“I guess he’s not very keen on people drinking too much when they’re supposed to be waiting for Him every waking moment.”

“Oh come on! I’ve conned people out of millions, slept with well over 200 hookers, and you think he’d leave me behind for a bottle of gin?”

“You almost did a Rasputin last night. Do you remember; you climbed on the table and opened your zipper…”

(Long pause)

“I think I know why the Lord left us both here at this time. We’re still very inexperienced.”

“Huh…?”

“Think about it – how can we overcome sin without truly knowing it? Sure, we talk about theft and lying and hypocrisy all the time – and that’s fine, because we’re well acquainted with all of them. But what is the one abomination before God we keep talking about without any in-depth knowledge?”

“I don’t know… Sodomy?”

“That’s right. You’re very perceptive. I knew you were very special when I hired you. That and those big, beautiful green eyes…”

“Wouldn’t we go to hell?”

“Not if we’re sorry tomorrow! This is how it all works; you sin, you repent, you grow wiser and God forgives you, and bestows upon you the duty to tell others why they shouldn’t do the same. That’s our secret motto and how we’re so successful: you never know how bad it is until you do it.”

“I need to tell you something. There was no rapture. Your AA sponsor put me up to this. Now I’m getting really uncomfortable.”

“Of course there wasn’t. You didn’t really think I believed in all that shit, did you?”

 

“We’re speaking to our correspondent, Boris Bulltrotter.  Boris, what do you think this recording means?”

” I guess there’s only one explanation: Pastor Nigel must have known he was about to be tricked, so he tricked Theodore first. God must have told him while he was resting. I’m sure our audience would agree with that.”

“Good guess, Boris. Now we have a real treat for our viewers – Pastor Nigel’s full collection of lectures on sodomy, titled “The Road To Hellfire”. He surely knows a lot about this subject! For our viewers only, it comes with  a deduction of 0.032% if you order it in the next half an hour.”