Disclaimer:  This post does not refer to any type of sexual abuse or illegal sexual activity concealed by the secrecy of a very private life. It only refers to legal acts between consenting adults. It is not intended to claim anyone should be able to do anything behind closed doors, that sexual education is not important or that awareness of predatory behaviour in the home environment should not be raised.

Its only purpose is to criticise the abundance of guidelines making life more confusing and dissatisfying for the average individual. Likewise, it is meant as a critcism of the current habit of surrendering very private information to groups of strangers in hopes of improving one’s condition.

 

It should go back to being shut. And locked.

The infestation we currently face, in the form of continuous exposure to so-called sex advice, is deemed by some a powerful tool in social engineering, contributing to generalised obsession, causing all sorts of consequences on an individual and collective level, from the spread of venereal diseases to the epidemic of failed marriages.

While I totally agree with this point of view, on the side, I am also surprised media consumers still engage in the blessed activity, with the amount of inhibition said material must cause. Reading about sex must be the biggest put-off ever.

One can rarely access a mainstream publication which includes a lifestyle section without automatically seeing some advice on bedroom behaviour. Here is a short list of things you’ll find yourself reading about, out of curiosity:

  • What to do / not to do to avoid your sex life being boring;
  • What feedback to request from your partner (to avoid your sex life being boring) and how to request it;
  • What ”achievements” to aim for and how to measure your success;
  • How often you should do it for a healthy (read not boring) sex life;
  • How to tell if your relationship/ marriage failed due to your abysmal sex life;
  • Eccentric ideas for spicing up your boring sex life;
  • Fetishes (which often make you laugh or lose your breakfast on the keyboard) and how to perform unnatural – yet trendy – acts without ending up in the hospital;
  • How sad your life is if you don’t have sex on a regular basis (even if you’re single) and how you’ll go insane if you don’t start picking up strangers in bars;
  • What your partner really likes and how your partner really thinks (assuming you have no idea);
  • Your own drive and desires kindly explained to you (assuming as an adult you are not aware of them already); how to tell if you’re really enjoying yourself as much as you think you are;
  • How your sex drive can be offensive to others (if you are male);
  • How to use rejection to your advance and then behave like a nymphomaniac (if you are female);
  • How to start a conversation with a potential partner (because even basic human interaction has become an art or a trade needing taught);
  • How everything you do in bed can be perceived as sexist (if you are male);
  • How to scrutinise men’s behaviour for sexism constantly (if you are female);
  • Masturbation tutorials (because no one has ever figured that one out on their own);
  • What to eat/ what not to eat and drink before, after and even during sex;
  • What to say and what not to say;

Etc.

What you need to understand is that your sex life needs improvements. Whatever you’re doing, you’re not doing it well enough, and if you somehow get it right, you’re not doing enough of it. You need help and you need it now, unless you are already impotent, frigid or freaked out after reading expert guidelines for a few hours.

Although men are, in my view, the most targeted category right now, with a plethora of feminist guidelines on what they should not do to women (down to minute details), women get their fair share of indications, guaranteed to make them as insecure as possible.

If one takes to heart everything they read on this subject, sex sounds like the most difficult test to ever pass and one to be avoided if possible, as a thousand things could go wrong any second. They’d probably feel less pressure trying to neutralise an explosive chemical compound, as chemistry at least provides exact rules.

What ever happened to the good old days when people would just close the door behind them and let things unfold naturally, without needing others’ validation for their climaxes or lack thereof? After all, that has worked well enough since the beginning of human life on this planet (except for times when doors did not exist and societies where privacy was not habitual, of course). You get my point. This is madness.

How can someone enjoy sex if they analyse every second of it to death; when joy itself must be measured with robotic precision?

Dating advice one finds in popular publications – or in general – tends to be ridiculous, involving a lot of manipulation and regulating the smallest details of the interaction; one could write a ”how to successfully steal a purse” tutorial in the same tone. It’s depressing to think that such advice might actually be followed by those who don’t know any better. It’s depressing to think that people have become so cold, so estranged from each other they need instructions on how to say hello and how to look someone in the eye. Is it too soon? Is it appropriate? What will they assume? How many milliseconds should it last?

Out of curiosity, I did a Google search on stupid sex advice. Cosmopolitan seems to get the crown, with others such as Men’s Health or Maxim following closely behind. With the growing popularity of kinky acts, some offer advice which might just send people to the emergency room, involving biting, roughing up men’s genitals and stabbing one’s partner with a fork. People reading that creepy bullshit on a regular basis are presumably busy trying to keep up with new trends and ideas, forgetting their intimacy is nobody’s business.

Whilst the lack of sexual education is thought to be a problem in third world countries, causing injuries, premature birth and many deaths, the first world is running out of orifices to penetrate and objects to ram up, in search of that elusive ”ultimate experience”, as nothing seems to ever be enough.